To my Husband on our anniversary.
4 years. 4 years ago we stood in front of our loved ones and vowed to CHOOSE each other … for the rest of our lives. WE had NO idea what was ahead of us … but we chose to do it together … no matter what.
In that moment, as we said I do … everything was perfect. Our greatest challenges at the time were - where should we buy a house and what should we cook for dinner? And now, 4 years later, a house, and 2 kids … year 4 was the most challenging yet.
Year 1 – Bought a House
Year 2 – Had our first baby
Year 3 – Raised our baby & got pregnant with #2
Year 4 – Had our 2nd baby and I was diagnosed with PPD/A.
Year 4 challenged us in ways that we could not have imagined nor prepared for.
I can still remember the days leading up to getting help so vividly yet they seems so cloudy. I remember coming home, on cloud 9 with our brand new baby BOY and our beautiful 2 year old daughter – our family was lucky, we have two healthy kids and our hearts were so very full. The first few days went smooth as we juggled the new dynamic of a family of 4. The frustrations of being a new mom of now 2 kiddos, the lack of sleep, and the emotions of trying to give attention to our 2 year old and our newborn … all felt pretty “normal”.
In the midst of all of these emotions, I began to have anxiety about anyone helping with our new baby; I knew I needed them to help, but my whole body would fill up with something I cannot even put into words. I would get so frustrated with my 2 year old not understanding that I couldn’t give her ALL my attention.
I would cry
I would yell
I would hide under my blankets
I would try to be all things. All the time.
I kept telling myself – “ I SHOULD be able to do this. Women do this ALL the time. I don’t need HELP!”
We chalked it up to just the emotions of giving birth and all of the hormones that come with it. But as the 2nd and 3rd week passed …. Things got worse.
“Cody, you and the kids would be better off without me … maybe you should take the kids somewhere else or maybe I should go somewhere” I would say while sobbing laying in my bed.
“I’m a horrible mother”
In those moments, you realized that this wasn’t me, that I needed help. You got on the phone yourself and called my doctor. As we figured out the best course of action with my doctor, you stood by me and trusted me in my decisions along the way. These bad moments came and went. I loved my babies so fiercely, yet felt that I was not equipped to be the mother they deserved and needed. Time and time again you would remind me that I was/am exactly what they needed and that we would get through this. The doctor warned us that we wouldn’t really feel any change for 5-6 weeks … so the weeks passed … and we got through it. We conquered the worst and the best together, we were the happiest and healthiest we had been in what felt like a long time. I say a lot that having our son “saved me” because in reality I had been fighting depression and anxiety since when we had our daughter, and having AJ was what made me get help. But the truth is, as much as AJ saved me …. You saved me. You helped me begin the process of healing to become a better version of myself and you stuck with me through it. You picked up the pieces when I couldn’t … you filled in gaps when I couldn’t.
You, my dear husband, were the calm in a very nasty storm. You stood by me in my darkest moments … you encouraged me … you hugged me … cried with me … loved me … and most importantly …. You CHOSE ME every single day.
The healing process was not easy but you continued to be my anchor daily. You continue to be OUR anchor. It no longer is just about you and I, but about our family. Even on my weakest days, your strength pulls me through.
As we celebrate our 4 year anniversary, I want to say thank you. Thank you putting my happiness and health at the top of your priority. Thank you for loving me through all the good and all the bad. Thank you for believing in the mother that I am and the mother that I am meant to be. Year 4 was an amazing year, we had trials that made us grow stronger, and we had joys that no words can possibly describe. Laney, AJ, and I are so lucky to have you as our anchor and our biggest supporter.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder and smile a little bit bigger.
You are SO loved. We are perfect but I love this crazy beautiful life we have created together.
Here's to another wonderful year CHOOSING each other!
I, Carli, choose you Cody
To be no other than yourself,
To be my best friend, my faithful partner, and my own true love and husband
Loving what I know of you, and trusting who you will become
I promise to encourage you and to inspire you
I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands
To speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not
I will forever be there to laugh with you, to lift you up when you are down, and to love you unconditionally through all of our adventures in life together.
I will respect and honor you in all ways.
I choose you to be my spouse, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from this day forward.
You will be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground and I will be the winds that keep your heart in the clouds. I choose you for life.
