I have spent the past few months having conversations with new moms, expecting moms, and "veteran" moms; the overall theme that I have heard more often than not is the following -- there is this taboo that over years and years has grown stronger and stronger in motherhood. This idea that motherhood is rainbows and gumdrops 100% of the time, that IF you DARE complain or sound ungrateful for your children, that somehow means that you don't love them, feel blessed, feel thankful, or any other feeling that is positive.
But here is the UGLY TRUTH and THIS is MY STORY!
I became a mom 3.5 years ago. I spent the first year of motherhood crying most days because my baby wouldn't sleep, I struggled with comparing myself to other moms who seemed to have it all together, and wondering how on earth someone could LOVE every single part of being a mom and because I didn't, was I a bad mom? Was I not supposed to have any more kids? Did other moms feel this way? & It turns out, I wasn't alone.
I got pregnant with my 2nd child when my daughter was about 15 months old. My pregnancy flew by and before I knew it, we had a baby boy. This time, my post-pregnancy experience was even WORSE. I wouldn't let anyone help with my new baby, yet I thought that maybe my family would be better off without me. I had times of complete desperation and times where my anxiety would take over my entire body. My husband made the call to my doctor and they saw me right away and I was diagnosed with PPA/D. I was put on Zoloft and was told it was going to take a few weeks for it to really help; 2 weeks later, they upped my dosage, 3 weeks after that, I FINALLY felt like myself. Not just myself, but a better version of myself that I had been missing for YEARS.
I remember vividly, just days after starting to feel better, we went to church for the first time. Another couple, who had a baby about 8 months prior, was at church and the husband came up to me and said - "WOW, how are you here with a 6 week old, ya'll have it all together". What he didn't know, is the sh*t storm (excuse my language) that was our life for the past few weeks and how I was on medication for PPA/PPD.
THIS is when it dawned on me. How many other moms were in the SAME situation as me and were scared to just admit that they didn't have it all together and luckily, with the help of doctors and a supportive family ... they were getting there OR maybe they just had it together for that 1 hour. So, I told the world. I told the world that I needed help, I asked for it, I openly accepted it, and I openly talked about it. I had people comment on my posts with nice sentiments and everyone was super supportive; but over the past 1.5 years, I have received countless messages and texts privately, that made me realize it was ALL worth it.
It was completely worth it to put myself out there, if I could just help ONE other person feel like there was hope. Most recently, an old friend received the amazing news that she is pregnant after a road of struggle. I asked her how the pregnancy was going and she admitted it was rough, a lot of morning sickness but she "didn't want to complain" because she has "wanted this for SO long". And I felt that. hard. and I said to her. "Oh woman, no one likes to be sick and you certainly don't HAVE to like this part of pregnancy EVEN if you've wanted this your WHOLE LIFE" and her response - "Thank you. I needed to hear that".
JUST because you don't love getting up in the middle of the night to feed your baby, just because you don't like throwing up or the horrible heartburn, just because you don't enjoy every waking moment of ALL that motherhood brings you .... it does NOT make you less grateful, or less of a mother. Motherhood isn't always glamorous and THAT is what makes it so beautiful. You can simultaneously love your kids and hate some parts of motherhood .... whether you suffer from PPA/D or NOT.
We, women, are HUMAN. We need to practice giving ourselves a little more GRACE, a little more understanding, and a little more self-care. I am SO thankful for the women and mom's in my life that have encouraged me to take the good, bad, and the UGLY. To admit when "THIS SUCKS" and then embrace those moments that make your heart burst out of your chest. Get help when you need it. Take care of yourself. and Find someone who you can vent to, with NO judgement. Someone you can text or call and say - "My kid is being {fill in the blank}".
& to the women who are afraid to take medications because they don't want to be on them forever, use me as your hope. I have successfully weaned off my medications just in time for my 3rd and FINAL pregnancy (although Zoloft is safer during pregnancy). My body, for the most part, is extremely healthy, I have found a supplement that naturally helps with my anxiety and my gastrointestinal issues (that's a whole separate issue haha) that is safe before, during, and after pregnancy.
I am SO thankful for all the UGLY in motherhood because it makes the beautiful THAT MUCH MORE beautiful. I love my kids more than life, I cannot imagine a life without them, and I am looking forward to adding one more to our crazy bunch.
Here is to all the trials and victories we go through as mothers. We may not love every step, but we sure do love our kids.