It all surfaced after having my 3rd and final baby, Sonny. I got past the 2-week check, then the 6-week check …. And then it hit. The dreaded and feared Post-Partum anxiety and depression. PPD/A manifests and surfaces so differently for SO many women, but for me it came out as being easily angered, having panic attacks where I felt like my insides were doing complete flops. It came out with words like “you deserve a better wife; the kids deserve a better mom”. Words that while writing this, make me tear up.
Thankfully, my husband, my mother, and my doctor were ALL over it. I spoke with my doctor, we started a low dose of a medication and I scheduled my first therapy session.
Now, I must warn you, my therapy was anything but conventional and I was SO ready for something that could heal the hurt in my body that I had faced for SO long. I longed to figured out WHERE this all stemmed from, why I had always had anxiety, and why did it get exaggerated after each kid. (If you want to know more details on my therapy, that’s like a friend date to the local coffee shop convo)
This was the turning point in my journey and a huge turning point in my life. The therapist was able to help ME discover where this was all coming from …. And it all came down to 1 word. 1 simple word.
WORTH.
From an old relationship my brain had learned or heard that I was NOT worthy. So, my therapist helped me retrain myself and my entire being, that I AM, in fact, WORTHY.
Worthy to be loved
Worthy of my husband
Worthy of my children
Worthy of my friends
Worthy of my life
Worthy to be a mom
Worthy to love
Worthy of happiness
I will forever remember the moment, that she had me stand up, look her in the eyes and repeat after her.
I AM worthy of my husband
I AM worthy of my children
I AM worthy to be loved
I AM worthy of my friends
I AM worthy of my life
I AM worthy to be a mom
I AM worthy to love.
I AM worthy of happiness
Read that again. And Again. And Again. Until it’s SO much apart of you that NO ONE can take it away.
Tears flowed from my eyes. I knew at that moment that what I had been dealing with for SO long, was NOT going to haunt me anymore. I wasn’t going to let anything devalue my worth (including my own negative thoughts) or the fact that I am worthy of this beautiful life that I have.
If you think for ONE minute that you aren’t good enough for the life you have or the partner you have… STOP. Go back. Look in the mirror and REPEAT. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Shoutout to A Little After Nine local shop for the beautiful calligraphy/design of my wrist tattoo.
Shoutout to Leah Vonne Photography. A picture’s WORTH a thousand words? These two pictures are WORTH so much more.
